Friday, June 8, 2018

Alternative Measures

For all of the bad weeks, months, years and leading up to that 1 bad day, don't lose hope. You have hundreds of thousands of days left to get it right and make it better. I'm not saying it will be easy, so pray about it. You are worth all the time in the world. Tomorrow and the next day etc... is another chance. Don't give up. Please try something different this time. Over and over until something works.

Scream! Break a dish! Shut the world out and take some me time. Just don't take your life. I get very down at times. I know some of what you're feeling. There is almost literally NO ONE for me to turn to with the exception of my husband and 2 of my daughters. And when their lives get busy, it's just me, Jesus and God. And for so many years, that has been enough. I have excellent coping mechanisms that I go through alone and because of that small yet great amount of help, I will live on to talk and work through it. Even if it's just within myself.

I have a host of emotional impairments, and thankfully I don't think of harming myself, but there are days I want to disappear. So I do. I avoid the people and or situations that provoke my impairments!! No phone calls in or out. No in house visits. I may shop or watch the same funny episodes of The Office, like I am now. But I find my happy place and live there for as long as it takes for me to regroup. Those that know and love me, understand and give me my space when I need it. I appreciate that. It's often an introverts dream to just be left alone. But owning that also means mastering the downfalls of it. Stay strong. Be careful in there.

Someone, even if it's just you, loves you.  Be here for you. These recent two and prior suicides bring me to an enormous state of sadness. I wonder, what was that final straw?! Why did they have to go right then?! I didn't question where their support was, because there is often help available, if and or when we choose to speak up or ask for it. What about when you don't want to ask? You have to have other options. Work it out! Pull YOURSELF to the side. Learn your trigger's. Denounce them, shake it off and exist. I'm rambling now, but yeah, I'm entirely sorry that those people couldn't find solace.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Release Number 10

I'm not very good at marketing, because I don't want to ever force myself or "my brand" upon anyone. So, in as few words as possible. Here's Collect Me In Paris, released and selling since yesterday. I play with multiple cover options in the beginning, and settle on the one that reflects closest with the content of the completed book. Not necessarily always my favorite, but yeah... Access the link below, IF you're interested.

Enjoy and thanks for your continued support! ~Angela aka Angel Dust

Collect Me In Paris

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Don't Strike Out

The elections are bigger than just the General election for Presidency. There are so many people that only vote at that time. Well the Primary elections are just as important. This world didn't start or end with the elections of Obama and or Trump. It takes more than 1 person to form a successful team. Many first and last timers came out to play then; however, I'm not new to this. Been voting for over 30 years. Don't be quick to yell foul; when in fact, you were never in the game. Go Vote!

Sunday, April 29, 2018

SOME Of Why I Cry NO MORE(long admission)

On this day my late husband will have turned 61. *They say don't speak ill of the dead; as well as,
"if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Well it just so happens that,
while I'm acknowledging his birthday, I'm also up to speaking my truth of the horror that was our union.

Prior to marriage, he often told me some very nice, kind things about myself; followed by, "If you were my woman, you would not treat me the way you treat such n such because I would beat your ass." I replied, "Ha... I would never be your woman, because you're not my type anyway". Welp, lust and curiosity came into play and within 1 year, I became "his woman". Month's following, I was slapped for not wanting to have a birthday party in which I would meet more of his family members. The party was had. He'd already demanded I kick out a paying tenant so he could plant his older brother as a spy.(THAT brother was actually pretty cool) He had two other brother's escort me around town as a deterrent to other men, that I "belonged" to him.

Once he stole my brand new outfit to give to his kids' mom because, "I had more clothes than her and she needed them more". He did the same with my sons clothes to her eldest son. I was smacked for telling him he could no longer make my kids miss school to watch his younger kids. And that their father was coming to pick them up. They didn't leave with their dad. I was made to eat chewed food from his mouth. No matter the food. It started with candy and gum as, "an exchange to share EVERYTHING from now on". After 4 years, I concocted a plan and flee'd to another state because he proposed to me and I had zero interest in being married to him. He found me the next morning(someone close to me sold me out). He called sobbing questioning why I didn't want to marry him. That he could have any woman he wanted(being a former pimp) yet he chose me.
Something or fear allowed me to oblige him and within a week, we were married.

He literally bathed me, done my hair and nails. Picked out our matching attire each day. Fed me fork or spoon to mouth from a shared plate. Dared any other male to engage me in any conversation without first consulting him. Got smacked because our mutual friend bought me a pack of cigarettes. Within 3 months, he brung his 2 young babies to live with us. He'd bring home snacks, call in and allow his babies to pick over them until they were done and call my kids in later. I secretly told them to respond kindly, "no thank you". I'm grateful that worked without question. My kids were in school full time, where I could work or attend school; but nope, had to watch his while he "worked".Told me if I didn't like it I could leave again. Two month's later, I mastered another plan and moved out.

Day's later, after threats to my family that "I could run but could not hide", I disclosed my location
but told him we could NOT nor NEVER be a couple again. He bullied a guy that was courting me. But eventually gave up and sent for his kids' mom. He later relocated to Texas where he was murdered at the age of 34. Nearly 27 years ago

Bottom line, He planted seeds that didn't grow and I chose to cease watering them. It may take some time due to fear and or resources, but it's equivalent to a bad storm that doesn't last forever. Never stay in a situationship that is not flourishing or is causing harm to your children and or yourself. Because of this experience, I don't date guy's with young children and I run from "love appearing too hard(unequal admiration)", or unequally yoked. So yeah... excuse me(or not) if I don't choose to "celebrate" with kindness. I celebrate ME!

*And don't get me wrong; in prior years acknowledgements of his birth and or death, per our better days, I'd say "Thank you for loving me enough to marry me". While I still feel this way, I was also punning the lack of courtesy and respect from the countless relationships before and after. Where I allowed myself to be "used up" without measure or worth.