Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cause and Effect

One of the weirdest things that I've noticed about myself over the last several years, is that I eat to reward myself for making positive decisions.

I've found myself racing off to the kitchen right after telling a potential visitor not to come by. As soon as they've accepted that I'm not feeling the company, I go straight to the kitchen and have something that I'd been craving and putting off all week.

What is that? Experts suggest that over eating and other bad habits are triggered by childhood trauma or an experience that has yet to be faced and or let go of. Hmmm, I just don't see the connection to the reward. I am socially withdrawn from a lot of friends and family, and they are aware of this so why should my telling them not to visit, cause an eating effect? Is it that I feel bad that I had to tell them no, or that I feel better after trying so hard to not hurt their feelings?

I have gotten extremely angry because someone called and said, "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm in your neighborhood." You would think they said, "Hey bitch, I'll be right over there to kill your fish and track your house with mud." LMAO... I get all short of breath and fly off the handle because I just don't like unexpected visitors. I'm never dressed for one, and it's an inconvenience to have to grab a "suit and tie" just to answer the door and stare at each other. Because usually I'm so irate that they've arrived, I barely say six words.

 However, if I'm able to avoid the visit, it's so invigorating and the ice cream and cookies get a much wanted punishing. I'm still trying to figure this out. I just hope I do so before I'm on the news being extracted from my room because I've eaten myself into a silly, sedentary state of satisfaction.