Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cause and Effect

One of the weirdest things that I've noticed about myself over the last several years, is that I eat to reward myself for making positive decisions.

I've found myself racing off to the kitchen right after telling a potential visitor not to come by. As soon as they've accepted that I'm not feeling the company, I go straight to the kitchen and have something that I'd been craving and putting off all week.

What is that? Experts suggest that over eating and other bad habits are triggered by childhood trauma or an experience that has yet to be faced and or let go of. Hmmm, I just don't see the connection to the reward. I am socially withdrawn from a lot of friends and family, and they are aware of this so why should my telling them not to visit, cause an eating effect? Is it that I feel bad that I had to tell them no, or that I feel better after trying so hard to not hurt their feelings?

I have gotten extremely angry because someone called and said, "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm in your neighborhood." You would think they said, "Hey bitch, I'll be right over there to kill your fish and track your house with mud." LMAO... I get all short of breath and fly off the handle because I just don't like unexpected visitors. I'm never dressed for one, and it's an inconvenience to have to grab a "suit and tie" just to answer the door and stare at each other. Because usually I'm so irate that they've arrived, I barely say six words.

 However, if I'm able to avoid the visit, it's so invigorating and the ice cream and cookies get a much wanted punishing. I'm still trying to figure this out. I just hope I do so before I'm on the news being extracted from my room because I've eaten myself into a silly, sedentary state of satisfaction.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dear Love

The things we say and do in love can also mimic hate
When someone or thing can provoke intense emotion from a mere shift from left to right, carefully is the mark. 
For all the deep breaths and shutters we yield simply ode to love, there are no mistakes when our heart skips a beat it's the welding and the process of a union.
We want so much to share us, to feel the same bare touch
the pain that spills when the vessels tear is nothing to yearn for twice. I want for everything I soil to be wiped clean as if an illusion. If for one second I miss my mark...
Please pardon the intrusion. All I need is your canvas to carve the image of better days. Our ways will take some getting used to yet there's nothing about us to change. Just expect accept and respect it. Dear Love... I need you!

Respectfully Yours,

With All Of Mine

Monday, August 15, 2011

**Not Again

You ever seen something that makes you so irate it literally takes your breath away? Even though you'd seen it before, seeing it again refreshes the anger as if it were the first time. Especially when the person that places the "item" damn near knows for a fact that it would be viewed and possibly received negatively.
Perhaps they have no regard for the outcome or perhaps it's the reaction they are seeking. Well it worked. Works every time. Nothing to do but sit the fuck back and quit looking at, to, and for it.
Silly of me...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mental Cleansing

I've had so much going on and it all amounted up to around umm
let's say nothing. Well some of it was of good measure, but for
the most part I've been clouded.

I don't regret any of it, as it all was necessary for growth.
One would think to go the other way
when familiar obstacles begin to surface. I guess the more
attractive ones are harder to ignore. The ones that are
valuable, yet not yours to covet. Whether seasonable or
reasonable the stones that weighed me down will be moved and
the ones that are mine will be used to surmount me.
Yeah I know, I often talk in riddles; an enigma to most, but hey...
Take ya time, you'll catch on. The complexity in my way of
speaking is an acquired taste not easily swallowed or very well
consumed. My knowing what's being expressed is an accomplished
feat. I only spill these things here to get them out of me.
It suffices for me.

If my choices leave me in a state of what some would call loneliness or despaired, while I call it serene, then again, I've accomplished a sought after conclusion. There is only one person that can do me and we all know it's simply me! Sure someone or things out there can complete me, but for now... I'll call it, Me. 
I'm empty now, rambled out, once again making room for enhancements 
 Or a place to store the emptiness... who knows what my decisions have netted. Oh well, waiting.

Monday, August 8, 2011


It is extremely hot all over!
That's all I got. [wiping brow - sipping H2O]
Returning you to your regularly scheduled event.
Central Air, back to you!

Friday, August 5, 2011

When I Was 4

When I was just 4 years old, I had my very first professional art kit and I remember it just like yesterday. I loved it!
As early as 4, I recall my father having a separate family that offered my sister and I a new place to run and laugh and learn. With more sisters and even another mother.(whodathunkit?) 
I was still growing into my personality at 4, but everyone knew I'd be someone special.
All little 4 year old girls want bright pretty things to play with. 4 year olds are smart enough to know what they want and don't want or like and dislike. We have a favorite food. A favorite song. Our favorite television show. That perfect outfit to match the favorite shoe. When we're just 4, we have no idea how far and wide our range of life will soar. We just know that each year there's another candle. We don't know what to anticipate as an adult. All we know is that they're much bigger than us. One of the best things that happened when I was 4, is that my prince was born.

Born 4 years 22 days after me. I didn't know at 4, but somewhere between then and now, I knew what my preference of my ideal guys' physical appearance should be. In August of 2008 he found me, more than 500 miles away. Since then, we've kept in touch. Exchanged gifts, expressed intimacy, fell apart, pulled together, changed and remained the same. During that time, I learned what my ideal guys' character should be. Of all the things that happened when I was 4, the one that took me over 40 years to find, is my most cherished. The years without you were my growing years. The 3 years that I've known of you have aided in my learning and sharing years. May the next 4+ years continue to bring the same if not greater comfort and completeness as the first.
(smile) Happy Anniversary Vayda, I Love You!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Catch 22

Nobody knows what I go through
Indecisions made me passive
They say I want my cake and I want to eat it too
Less satisfied if I don't, consequences when I do
These lessons, they lead me on my way
But when company is tempting me, I'm turned around
But I might wanna go that way,
Don't wanna go that way

Well, it's a Catch 22
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do
Yes, it's a catch 22
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do
Damned if I do

How many times does it take to learn just one thing,
'cause I keep ending up here
And I'm not a scientist so I just keep on praying that I won't
Keep getting the same results each day
I said that I can't be with you
But when you turn away I pull back your hands to stay
your hands to stay
So many days turn to years
That brought us here
And we shied through time without too many tears
But we still made decisions creating divisions

So many contradictions
Why didn't we listen?

Well, it's a catch 22 catch 22
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do
Yes, it's a catch 22
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do

Cause when I see you looking at her
I can't stand it, my eyes can't conceive
You gave her the smile you gave to me
I love you selfishly
I can feel so strongly
Oh, how you throw me
But still you know me
Oh, you know me

Yes, it's a catch 22,
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do
damned if I do
Yes, it's a catch 22, catch 22
Damned if I don't, Damned if I do
I'm damned if I don't, I'm damned if I do

By Goapele

Monday, August 1, 2011


Take your time...
When we rush... We're usually gonna miss something!

Wake up late... everyone pays for your rushed commute!

Put your foot in your mouth... only you can get it out!

Shouldn't have worn that... making a bad impression!

Having a plan... is not a spontaneous event!

Being your best... does not mean being first!

Utilize the 5 P's... Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance